September 01st, 2023

A surprise advantage, especially something tricky that is kept hidden until needed.
 
ACES – Adverse Childhood Experience Score. Well, I took the ACES evaluation at the National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges (NCJFCJ) website.

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Find Your Ace Score

My score on this evaluation is nine out of ten. However, I feel like I have survived many adverse childhood experiences that were not on this evaluation. I feel like my ACES score is more like a twenty, if you can even put a number on it. I feel like there could be a lot more questions on this evaluation, for example: Not only did a parent/adult ever verbally, physically, or sexually abuse you, did a sibling or someone/anyone ever do this to you? Have you had an abortion before the age of 18? Were you a foster child or were you placed in a state home for children? Were you adopted? Did one or more of your parents/caregivers pass away? Basically, there is a lot that can cause us trauma as children. Feel free to add your trauma at the bottom of the evaluation provided to add up your personal score.

It has been said by professionals, who deal with children with trauma, that we all, even healthy individuals, develop a sense of the world around us by age three. Wow, so above, I am being asked questions about my adverse childhood experiences, however, I am only able to answer the ones that I do remember. I have spent about eight years talking to therapists and psychologists about my past trauma. It has been said to me by a professional that “something” or “lots of adverse events” have happened to me prior to me even being able to speak. What this “something” or “lots of adverse events” are I may never know exactly. I just know that my past was traumatizing, and I need to continually be working on healing from it for the rest of my life. There is no way to quantify what happened to us before the age of three on an ACES test. If you lived in a home with yelling, hitting, abuse, neglect etc. when you were 0-3 yrs. old, this will have an impact on your life. While I think an ACES test is a good start it is not the end all be all.

So, you establish that you have an ACES score. Now what? Well, know that you are not alone. It is not your fault and never was your fault that you were treated adversely as a child.  The more people you get to know the more you realize that a lot of people are dealing with trauma. Some people have mild trauma, and some have severe. The goal for our future is to heal and raise our children without ACES as much as possible. For healing for yourself, as I mentioned, I went to talk therapy for many years. This is a great place to start. Talking about your feelings and opening up about your trauma lifts some of the burden off your own shoulders. Spend the time to heal and establish healthy boundaries and relationships. This may take your entire life, so be forgiving and generous to yourself. As for your children. Keep in mind that we want to avoid them experiencing ACES as much as what is in our power to do so. One thing that surprised me is that a divorce is recognized as causing trauma to children.  It is not a surprise it causes trauma, but the fact that it is recognized is. We need to keep our relationships consistent around our children. If you must divorce, then do not keep introducing new relationships into your children’s lives until their older. I made the mistake of not settling down until my forties and there is a lot I regret when I was raising my son when he was younger. Keep in mind children are resilient, but balance that with what you can control and keep in mind what is best for them and not what is best for you at this point. You have children, and it is in our best interest to protect them and offer them a safe and healthy childhood.

So, what can become of someone with a high ACES score? Well a lot. We are like an ace in a game of cards. A surprise advantage, especially something tricky that is kept hidden until needed. I stayed hidden for seventeen years while raising my son. I put his life before mine. I was not perfect but kept trying to be better. As I have healed over the years I gradually think more of others. In 2014 I started volunteering as a Big Sister to give back to a child with ACES, so she too can heal. I returned to college in 2017 to get my Bachelor of Science in Nursing, so I can help heal others in the future. In 2018 I married my son’s father, so we could heal our family that broke apart twenty years ago. It might take twenty years for things to happen in your life, but it is well worth the wait. I recommend getting a “Fight Song”. When your down, turn it on and sing at the top of your lungs that you are a survivor, you are good, you have a lot of fight left in you! Fight for yourself, fight for your children.

I can now look back on my life and wish nothing different than what has happened to me. It has made me who I am today. People with ACES see life differently than others. We have a compassion and empathy for people with trauma that no others can understand. Keep looking to others and helping others and this will help you heal. Know that I am praying for everyone that has experienced or is experiencing trauma. God loves you.