"From day one Tara, you came into me and kids life and reminded us that real love has no race gender or nationality. You have helped us out in so many different ways. You always reminded Caniyah that she is smart enough for anything but most importantly you helped her realize how beautiful she is ❤️. You showed us true friendship and love time and time again. You were a listening ear but most importantly and praying women. All the times I wanted to give up, you were right there reminding me of all the reasons I should keep going. For those reasons you have a true friend for eternity and I love you so much Tara. Thank you for always being there for me and my family.
When I first became a mother at 16, I thought I had everything figured out and honestly thought since I didn't have support I didn't need it. Well, I was wrong. Being a young mother is and was hard for me especially when all I wanted was for my daughter to have a better life. I had to figure out what was more important my pride or my baby girls future. I chose her and when I did that I just knew it was going to get better. Once again I was wrong. I've been homeless, beaten up, and stomped deep into the ground where it felt almost impossible for me to get back up. All I ever wanted was to give my children a better life. Til this day that's still all I want. I finally felt a little free when I purchased my first vehicle, a 2004 Ford explorer. That was in 2017. That truck provided me and my kids a little bit more of a security. I didn't have to beg for a ride to the grocery store anymore. I was able to get things done that was a full time task when I didn't have a vehicle such as, laundry, school pop ups, doctor appointments and even a Job. Well here it is 2019 and I'm right back to square one with that eery feeling in my stomach that I know so well, begging for help. Not because I messed up but because my vehicle did lol. The only difference now is I know things are going to get better. That is my growth and development. I don't want any hand outs all I really need is support and motivation because I'm a firm believer that nobody owes you anything. I'm not lazy, I'm a mother first and everything else last I just know when it comes to hard times we've been together for 20+ years and I'm ready for a divorce lol. I laugh from crying everyday because my babies will not benefit from my tears. This is my story... " Vanilla G.
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Being a single parent is difficult and being emotionally strong and consistent can be even more difficult. I was a single mother for 17 years and went through an emotional roller coaster during that time. I guess you can say that I was growing up while my son was growing up too. I was always focused on "something was going to be better if I just _________,"--you fill in the blank--"we would be happy." I was always moving onto the next thing with an immensely fast pace.
I was not consistent at all on most things, even important things like living situations and schools for my son. When you ask my son what he disliked the most about his childhood it was the fact that we moved so often. We lived in many different places, even changed states once. He went to six different schools all the meanwhile his father stayed in the same house for most of those 17 years. In fact, after marrying his father, we all live in that same house together now! We need to strive to be at peace with where we are at as single parents. Being consistent with where we live and where our kids go to school is so important. Unless the situation you find yourself in is hurting you or your children I recommend staying put where you are. Put your efforts into making the best of what you can out of where you live now. Allowing your children to make life-long friends and relationships. It is important to make annual traditions for the family. Not only for holidays, but birthdays and seasons. Children thrive on consistency and can count on knowing what is coming next in their lives. Even after getting married, I still keep going, I keep this reminder at my kitchen table to help me slow down and enjoy what I have now: Be Still and know that I am God Psalm 46:10. Waiting on God’s timing for everything is worth it. A surprise advantage, especially something tricky that is kept hidden until needed. ACES – Adverse Childhood Experience Score. Well, I took the ACES evaluation at the National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges (NCJFCJ) website. My score on this evaluation is nine out of ten. However, I feel like I have survived many adverse childhood experiences that were not on this evaluation. I feel like my ACES score is more like a twenty, if you can even put a number on it. I feel like there could be a lot more questions on this evaluation, for example: Not only did a parent/adult ever verbally, physically, or sexually abuse you, did a sibling or someone/anyone ever do this to you? Have you had an abortion before the age of 18? Were you a foster child or were you placed in a state home for children? Were you adopted? Did one or more of your parents/caregivers pass away? Basically, there is a lot that can cause us trauma as children. Feel free to add your trauma at the bottom of the evaluation provided to add up your personal score.
It has been said by professionals, who deal with children with trauma, that we all, even healthy individuals, develop a sense of the world around us by age three. Wow, so above, I am being asked questions about my adverse childhood experiences, however, I am only able to answer the ones that I do remember. I have spent about eight years talking to therapists and psychologists about my past trauma. It has been said to me by a professional that “something” or “lots of adverse events” have happened to me prior to me even being able to speak. What this “something” or “lots of adverse events” are I may never know exactly. I just know that my past was traumatizing, and I need to continually be working on healing from it for the rest of my life. There is no way to quantify what happened to us before the age of three on an ACES test. If you lived in a home with yelling, hitting, abuse, neglect etc. when you were 0-3 yrs. old, this will have an impact on your life. While I think an ACES test is a good start it is not the end all be all. So, you establish that you have an ACES score. Now what? Well, know that you are not alone. It is not your fault and never was your fault that you were treated adversely as a child. The more people you get to know the more you realize that a lot of people are dealing with trauma. Some people have mild trauma, and some have severe. The goal for our future is to heal and raise our children without ACES as much as possible. For healing for yourself, as I mentioned, I went to talk therapy for many years. This is a great place to start. Talking about your feelings and opening up about your trauma lifts some of the burden off your own shoulders. Spend the time to heal and establish healthy boundaries and relationships. This may take your entire life, so be forgiving and generous to yourself. As for your children. Keep in mind that we want to avoid them experiencing ACES as much as what is in our power to do so. One thing that surprised me is that a divorce is recognized as causing trauma to children. It is not a surprise it causes trauma, but the fact that it is recognized is. We need to keep our relationships consistent around our children. If you must divorce, then do not keep introducing new relationships into your children’s lives until their older. I made the mistake of not settling down until my forties and there is a lot I regret when I was raising my son when he was younger. Keep in mind children are resilient, but balance that with what you can control and keep in mind what is best for them and not what is best for you at this point. You have children, and it is in our best interest to protect them and offer them a safe and healthy childhood. So, what can become of someone with a high ACES score? Well a lot. We are like an ace in a game of cards. A surprise advantage, especially something tricky that is kept hidden until needed. I stayed hidden for seventeen years while raising my son. I put his life before mine. I was not perfect but kept trying to be better. As I have healed over the years I gradually think more of others. In 2014 I started volunteering as a Big Sister to give back to a child with ACES, so she too can heal. I returned to college in 2017 to get my Bachelor of Science in Nursing, so I can help heal others in the future. In 2018 I married my son’s father, so we could heal our family that broke apart twenty years ago. It might take twenty years for things to happen in your life, but it is well worth the wait. I recommend getting a “Fight Song”. When your down, turn it on and sing at the top of your lungs that you are a survivor, you are good, you have a lot of fight left in you! Fight for yourself, fight for your children. I can now look back on my life and wish nothing different than what has happened to me. It has made me who I am today. People with ACES see life differently than others. We have a compassion and empathy for people with trauma that no others can understand. Keep looking to others and helping others and this will help you heal. Know that I am praying for everyone that has experienced or is experiencing trauma. God loves you. |
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